When Mom Guilt Meets Church Hurt: A Journey of Faith

 Finding my “church routine” after being in church leadership? Chile, it’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done! Like, I’m out here trying to love God, follow His word, and live a faith-filled life, but...church has really turned me off. And let me be clear, this is not a “bash the church” blog post because the church raised me! Honestly, my upbringing in church saved me from a whole lot of situations I know some of my peers got tangled in.

But now? Whew, chile! The disconnect is real.

The Glory Days: Church Vibes Back Then

I grew up in the thick of it: Halloween Nights, "Bust a Grubs" (yes, eating and games at church, sign me up!), concerts, dance nights, skating, basketball tournaments—you name it, we did it. My youth church laid the foundation for the faith I have today, and I want that same foundation for my girls. But how do I even begin?

So Here’s the Deal…

Right now, I’m on a social media fast for the rest of the month. I’m seeking God’s direction as a single mom, which means I’m head honcho around here—spiritually, financially, mentally, emotionally, and physically. But let’s focus on the spiritual, shall we? Because right now, that’s where the mom guilt is kicking in. I mean, my mom did all the things (as my girl Selima always says), and here I am, juggling motherhood like a pro in most areas, but dropping the ball on the one that really held my mom together—church.

Trying to Get My Praise On...Locally

I’m part of a wonderful church in Delaware, and listen, I love everything about it: the teaching, the preaching, the activities. But the distance? Not convenient for me and my littles in this season. So, I’m searching for a place that’s nearby, where I can get a good praise and worship session and a solid word. You know, something that checks all the boxes without requiring me to pack snacks like I’m going on a cross-country trip.

Meanwhile, I’m doing my best to keep Jesus in our day-to-day lives. We listen to worship music, pray in the morning, before dinner, and at night—but let’s be real, that’s not all God asked us to do. He literally said, “Don’t forsake the assembly,” meaning we need to gather with others, not just hit play on the YouTube worship mix. I know I’m in a season where obedience, sacrifice, and faith are the top three themes of my spiritual journey, so I’m out here trying to do what He said...even if it’s hard.

Church Hurt Is Real, But God Is Still Good

I’ll be real with y’all—my past experiences with church leadership? Yeah, they shook me. Hard. People can be wolves in sheep's clothing, leading with hurt, insecurity, or straight-up nonsense, and I got caught in that mess. It completely derailed my confidence in the church and made me question my trust in leadership. BUT—it didn’t break my trust in God. I’m healing and moving forward, but the disconnect from the institution of church is still there.

Now, as the spiritual leader of my household (because, let’s face it, the Bible says that’s usually the man’s role, but here we are!), I have no choice but to show up for my girls. I know not all churches are the same, I know we’re supposed to go to church for God, not people, and I know anywhere there are people, there will be problems. But it’s a struggle finding a place where my girls and I can grow without it feeling like a second full-time job.

I Don’t Want to Overdo It, But I Don’t Want to Miss It Either

Growing up, I lived at church—Sunday through Monday, we were there for HOURS. I mean, we were so involved that I couldn’t even share the good news about God because I was in church all the time! LOL. So, for me, striking a balance is key. I need a church connection that’s healthy, with boundaries. I’m not about to be out here burning out or burning my kids out.

Full Circle Moments

What I’m realizing is that the same themes God is working on with me—obedience, sacrifice, faith—are the same things my girls are learning too. Isn’t it funny how life syncs up like that? They’re learning obedience, and so am I. And, let me tell you, obedience is not always fun, cute, or convenient. It’s HARD. But because I’m learning to obey God, I can actually teach my girls the same. They’re learning to sacrifice, and I’m doing the same. My girls, bless their little hearts, have had to give up a lot—things they didn’t even ask for, like living in a single-parent home, or dealing with a mom who’s sometimes stressed or overstimulated. Their little tantrums? Yeah, that’s me when God says “No” or makes me wait longer than I want to. But God cares about us and finishes what He starts.And faith? Oh, I’m learning from my girls on that one. They have no doubt that when I drop them off, I’m coming back. They don’t worry about food, clothes, or shelter because they know Mommy’s got it covered. That’s the kind of faith I want to have with God.

In conclusion, I’m trusting God and learning from my toddlers. At the end of the day, here’s what I’m learning: we can all be students in this life. I’m taking notes from my toddlers, and they don’t even know it! My message to you is this: return to God, or at least give Him a try. He’s the one constant in every season of my life, even when I’m out here trying everything else. If you’re feeling disconnected from church or faith, try fasting, praying, reading your Bible, worship music, and yes—find a church. Because obedience is better than sacrifice, and faith without works is just wishful thinking.

So, let’s put our bets on God. He’s got this.

Much love,
Xavia the Know-It-All, Who Knows Nothing at All