Don't Let Great Be the Enemy of Good (Releasing Mom Guilty)

    Becoming a mother has made me want to be the best at everything I touch. What I thought was okay in my childless life was now a red flag. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I began to look at my life and pick it apart. All the things that weren't together I began to obsess over and for a moment lost sight of what was going well. The weight of not doing things how I originally planned was difficult to accept. I wanted three major things: 

1. Marriage

2. Financial stability 

3. Complete my individual goals 

Aveyah decided to bless my life before I completed all of those things. She has been the best thing that has ever happened to me but this process has been bitter sweet.  

    Everyone who knows me knows I have a very hands-on mother. Maxine made sure to invest all she had into my brother and I. I went to the best schools, eight by the time I was in 12th grade, if we want to be specific. I attended Golden Slipper Camp which was a Jewish Summer Camp and it did not stop there. My mom used faith, prayer and her trust in God to raise us, my dream was to always be like her or better if/when I became a mom. I quickly realized that motherhood did not have a handbook and you honestly have to grow with the flow. Before this realization, I found myself trying to use my mother as the standard to what I thought was a “good” mom. I failed every time I tried to be like her or any other mother. It wasn’t until I realized that God gave Maxine the responsibility and strategy to raise my brother and I and if I would lean into everyday life, more than focusing on being perfect, He would give me my strategy for mothering Aveyah.

MARRIAGE 

    Making the decision to become a mom is a hard one. I was always raised that it is the woman’s decision and to remember that no matter what that child is YOUR responsibility. So deciding to carry Aveyah full term was a hard one. I was a minister at a church at that time and before then I was abstaining from sex for two whole years. I decided to quit abstaining because I felt that I had found my person. While I had these feelings being a leader in a church and being pregnant without being married was a lot of pressure.

    As I watched all the men commit to their significant others I couldn’t help but compare my situation to theirs. I will never forget one day I was sitting in church and a young lady who had just been married tried to offer her support to me. She basically stated that we were both pregnant and could lean on each other despite the fact that she had been married and I was not. At the moment I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Knowing her she probably did not mean it in any way but when you are feeling shameful about your life decisions you become very hypersensitive. 

    Church culture will preach and teach forgiveness and judgment free zones but WE will never admit to the fact that sometimes we can be very judgmental! I said we, because I’ve been there. When I was on my abstinence journey, I would turn my nose up at people who were not able to abstain from sex. Now looking back, at least they ended up committing to one another through marriage since they couldn't. Here I was unwed and pregnant after two years of abstinence. 

FINANCIAL STABILITY & COMPLETING MY INDIVIDUAL GOALS 

    Raising a child is NOT CHEAP! Before becoming a mom I was reckless with finances. I would spend and make it right back, especially after turning my hair hobby into a stream of income (Shameless plug: follow my hair page on IG @XaviaMichelle). Some days, I work a 9-5 and then do hair until 10:00PM or later. I being to feel so guilty but the life that I want Aveyah to have requires me to put in work. Though I have always been ambitious having my daughter put a different type of drive in me. I am now apart of two ghettos, adulthood and motherhood and you know what I LOVE IT HERE! Instead of giving you paragraphs as if I am qualified to give you advice, I will leave you with some of the affirmations that help me through the day:  

• DO NOT focus on what you lack. Focus on what you HAVE and manage and multiply 
• Perspective matters and helps you to stay grounded mentally, emotionally, and spiritually
• Having a baby does not mean your life stops, it just means you have to take a pause and readjust
• Ease up on yourself, you have been given the responsibility to care for a child because you are equipped to do so
• Enjoy each and every moment, high and low 
• Free yourself from “mom guilt”, tackling your accomplishment while your mothering will not harm your child
• If you do not have a built-in support system, create your own 

    Lately, I’ve been resting in the affirmations above and moving with the confidence that God gave me. Understanding that Aveyah is the main one who will help me shape my mothering ability has released the gripes of comparison. Other mother’s may be different but one thing we all have in common is that we love our children and will do any and everything to care for them.