The Diaper Bag Dilemma by the “Do-It-All” Queen

 Hey y’all, it’s your girl, Xavia, and let me tell you, I’m in recovery—recovery from over-functioning. Now, before you get it twisted, this doesn’t mean I’m about to start showing up in bare minimum fashion or using this as an excuse to get back at folks who have taken advantage of me. Nope! What it really means is I’m learning to tune into my mind, body, and soul before I make plans or agree to favors. In church terms, they’d call this “discernment.” (And if you’re unfamiliar with that word, click here for Google to do the heavy lifting.)

Here’s the thing—my whole life, I’ve been functioning like my worth is tied to how I show up for others. And let me tell you, that’s a fast track to burnout. I started to realize just how exhausting and unrealistic that mindset was while I was pregnant with my first daughter. Now, I had no clue what motherhood had in store for me. All I knew were the strong women around me, handling everything. My mom, for instance, was always on it, despite having a financially and emotionally supportive co-parent (my dad). But as I’ve gotten older and now that I’m a mom, I see things differently. My dad is a great father, but as I’ve grown into the woman I am today, I’ve realized he lacked in some areas. And guess what? He likely got away with it because the women in his life enabled him.

Now that he’s watching me parent in a similar way to my mom, he’s starting to see that how he was functioning wasn’t really cutting it. I’m not here to drag my dad—there are plenty of reasons he couldn’t be as present as he should’ve been. But today, I’m talking about how we as women sometimes create spaces where men can under-function. Yup, I said it! But before anyone gets too heated, let me be clear—this is based on my experience and my reality. So if it doesn’t apply to you, just sit back and enjoy my story! After all, I’m Xavia, the know-it-all who knows nothing at all—LOL! But seriously, listen up!

The Over-Functioning Chronicles

Example time: when my children’s father and I first split, I had the kids for two weeks straight with zero help. His birthday was coming up, and there I was, still in “over-function mode,” like, “Enjoy your birthday! I got the kids!” (He didn’t reach out because, surprise, he was mad at me.) I told him he needed to have a diaper bag ready when he picked them up because I was just too tired to pack one—overhelping, overextending, and feeling like I am getting nothing in return.

Now here’s where things got messy. He’d known for two weeks that he needed a diaper bag, but guess who got all the side-eye when one didn’t show up? Me. My mom and the other women in my life were practically clutching their pearls. “You never want to put your kids in harm’s way just to get back at their dad,” they said. And I was over here like, “Hold up! Why is this on me? That man had two whole weeks to get his life together! He’s a parent, too!”

Fast Forward: The Glow-Up

Fast forward, and we’re in a better co-parenting space now. Is it perfectly 50/50? Nah. But I’m not feeling as overwhelmed, resentful, or bitter as I did during the relationship, and I’m actually enjoying motherhood more. But let’s circle back to how we sometimes create these environments where men under-function. I didn’t allow my kids’ father to step up, and he didn’t offer—probably because he saw that I “had it all handled.” (Or maybe I’m making excuses for him again—LOL.) Even when I did ask for help, he’d catch an attitude, like I was attacking him. To this day, I still don’t know why simple conversations felt like walking through a minefield. But you know what? I’ve stopped worrying about the “why.”

Now, here’s where things get real—partnership isn’t about keeping things 50/50 all the time. Life just doesn’t work that way! Trying to make everything equal will have you fighting your partner, yourself, and the universe. True partnership is about understanding that 50/50 is a myth. It’s about anticipating each other’s needs, communicating, and dividing things in a way that makes sense for your relationship.

And let me tell you—when you’re juggling kids, work, and life, feeling like you have to handle everything alone? That’s a one-way ticket to resentment. I was doing all the things—doctor’s appointments, cleaning, cooking, paying bills, daycare runs—and then at the end of the night, I was expected to have energy left for “mom time” and “BIG daddy time.” He was ready to go, and I was running on fumes. That caused so much friction. Every time I tried to explain how tired I was, he’d brush it off like I wasn’t cut out for motherhood or relationships. That? That was a scam.

The Lessons I’ve Learned

So what have I learned from all this? First, over-functioning in a relationship isn’t the way to go. Because once you start, they’ll expect it from you forever. And while my grandparents’ marriages lasted 35, 50, even 60 years, I’ve come to value quality over quantity. I’m no longer making excuses for men in my life. I’m seeing them for who they are, not who they say they are. And that shift? That’s been so freeing.

To wrap this up: I’m learning to be empathetic to people’s struggles and shortcomings, but I’m no longer letting those be excuses for bad behavior. We can acknowledge the past, but it doesn’t give anyone the right to treat you poorly. I used to think I was being understanding and compassionate when, in reality, I was just enabling bad behavior and teaching people how to treat me.

So cheers to continuing this journey, y’all. Over-functioning is out, balance is in, and I’m learning that if someone wants to, they will. Thanks for reading and letting me pour out the thoughts of my heart.

Much love,
Xavia the Know-It-All, who knows nothing at all!