Your Are Not Okay, You’re Wear a Black Hoodie

 Wooooohhhh Chile it pays to have friends who will tell you about yourself. As I walked to the car, hair tied, hoodie on, blue tights, a hospital band and dry ashy feet stuffed into my crocs. My shabestie addressed me with a,  “How are you feeling friend?”. I responded “I’m fine”. Chileeeeeee life is always lifing as an adult “if it ain’t one thing it’s another”. She responded, “Honey you’re not okay, you're wearing a black hoodie”. I turned to her and busted out laughing because you know what I’m not okay and that’s okay! 

I have been running non stop for the past 3 weeks. My bestfriend visited me and cleaned my house from top to bottom, she bought me things for my house, prayed with me and we got the chance to sit and chat. I went from always being a car ride away to being 1,000 miles away but she doesn’t miss one beat in my life or her Goddaughters life and I am forever grateful.

My sweetest friend had her wedding this weekend and I had the honor of being a bridesmaid. It was the most beautiful wedding I’ve been to because I knew saw the hard work and dedication it took for them to get to that moment. Looking at her brought tears to my eyes because she had grown so much as a mother, women and friend and I was so proud. When two people are dedicated to making things work, it works. I’ve seen her smile go from 100 to 200 times brighter since they began therapy and planning this wedding. I couldn’t be more proud of them both. Shout out to the Cherry’s! 

On top of that I’ve been nursing my body back to health and caring for a baby for almost 9 months. My delivery was hectic hemorrhaging during labor and needing 5 blood transfusions and 4 iron transfusions less than 9 months ago is wild. My brain isn’t as sharp as it use to be, I can’t run off of little to no sleep anymore and I suffer a lot from feeling overwhelmed, depressed and anxious. One thing I will say is it takes a lot to forgive and forget how you were treated during your pregnancy and postpartum stages. But I am learning to be gentle and patient with myself and others. I tried to defend the fact that I was hormonal and honestly depressed during my pregnancy because that’s suppose to be the happiest time of a woman’s life. But having a baby is not for the weak; it affects you mentally, emotionally and physically. I still don’t feel like my normal self and sometimes I hate my life. I love caring for my daughter but the amount of pressure that comes with becomes overwhelming and taxing. I’ve used strengthen and success as a way to cover my fears, anxiety and depression for so long that I’ve found myself living in survival mood yet again. And I hate it! I miss life when I could be gentle, soft, graceful and feminine. While healing from childbirth I’ve been taking more clients, got a new job and trying to not lose myself in the process. I’ve been doing so much that my body literally began to hate me and forced me to rest. 

Take that nap before that nap takes you! I landed myself in the hospital because I was over doing it! I have a tendency to bottle up my emotions and work so much that it starts to reflect in my body. I had a severe migraine that lasted from Friday until today, Tuesday. I had been drinking water but I think the pressure that I have on my life right now got the best of me. Again, Take that nap before that nap takes you! 

So shout out to shabestie for having the tough conversation with me today. About being numb and about experiencing my feelings and expressing them in safe environments. She compared numb feelings to loosing the feeling in your foot. She goes it looses feeling for a moment but it comes back. So handle it so it doesn’t make it worse. Talk to people because stress builds up in your body and manifests itself in headaches, back and neck pains, cancer etc. I saw a video on IG that was a blessing to me, she explained that God created humans to bear the weight of others. She used Galatians 6:2, “Carry one another’s burdens and in this way you will fulfill the requirements of the law of Christ [that is, the law of Christian love].” ‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6‬:‭2‬ ‭AMP‬‬.

Dear Self, 

I’m finding rest in accept everything for what it truly is. I am understanding that actions show you everything about a person you need to know. I am realizing that I and MY standards aren’t the measuring stick to everyone else’s life. However, the requirements to gain certain accesses to me has shifted. Becoming a mom has made me invested in being gentle with myself and those around me. I want to break generationally curses that have been passed down. I want to gentle parent my kids not to be confused with passive parenting. I want them to feel the love I didn’t see growing up. I want them to like hugs and affection from their parents and not feel weird when I reach out for a hug. I want to be their safe place in a world filled with some much hate. I have said this a lot I don’t want to be the reason my kids need therapy! I am breaking that “that’s just how I am” and replacing it with show me how I can be better and give me grace to fail a couple of times. These things aren’t unreachable! Start by celebrating the small wins. 

P.S. I love me for where I am right now even the bad parts and I am taking my time to truly heal. I’m proud of myself!