Romantic relationships tend to be a mirror to who you are and what you need to improve on in your life. When you have been in a relationship deep down you know your person begins to see you for who you are, this includes the good, bad and indifferent. When this occurs it causes you to either want to work on yourself or it causes your ego to be bruised. Taking into account your partner's thoughts and feelings determines if your relationship will succeed. If you are not ready to take accountability for your actions, forgive and forget, and love even when you do not like, you are not ready for a relationship! If your actions towards your partner are based solely on what benefits you can get from it, you are not ready for a relationship! This brings me to the question that tends to arise when anyone speaks about relationships: Should you change for the person you are with or should they love you for who you are?

Change is required for growth. My opinion is that you should not be in a relationship with someone who you do not trust to give you good, sound advice about how to maneuver through life. If the person's opinions, thoughts, values, morals etc. do not align with yours it will be pretty tough to submit yourself to them. In my experience my softness, vulnerability, and willingness to submit depends on if I  feel safe and secure enough to do so. Men here is a secret that I have recently discovered, the softer you are towards the woman you love the more she will submit. Women, do not entertain men who you would not submit too. Now I completely understand that this advice does not apply to every situation but it can prevent you from entering into situations that do not serve you. 

Being in a relationship is super hard. Two people becoming one requires a lot of changes and adjustments. So yes, I believe a certain level of willingness to change who you are is required for a functional relationship. Respect, honor, understanding, patience, kindness etc. are a given. I found myself in relationships where I was thanking my person for being respectful when that is a basic human right. More often than we like to admit relationships will not be equal HOWEVER, there should always be some sort of balance between you and your partner. Understanding that there is only 24 hours in a day but your partner should not come last EVERYDAY is important. 

Relationships require intentional actions devoted to serving your partner for the benefit of you both. Every action you do in your relationship will not benefit you directly but doing something to make your partner smile or remove stress from their life should make you happy. I have found myself in relationships where I have not given all I could have given and vice versa. I found that relationships that measure what they do for each become very transactional and become more of an obligation than a testament of love. I have also realized that after you have asked for something so many times when you finally receive what you have been asking for it doesn’t have the same impact. The more you neglect the basic needs and wants of your partner the more you require them to tap into their independence. 

In the world we live in today we Black Women are faulted for our independence and strength. If I had a dollar for every time I have heard that I come off as if “I don't need a man” or “I want to be a man” I would be able to buy 70 bouquets of flowers for myself a week (lol). Hearing this so often nowadays has challenged me to take a look at myself and the habits I have created around dating and relationships. Being strong and independent has caused some issues in my current relationship as well as a host of other issues that many couples my age struggle with. My recents experiences has caused me to ask myself the following questions: 

  • Why do I feel the need to take care of everything? 
  • What has caused me to become hyper independent? 
  • Why do I struggle to delegate tasks to my partner? 
  • How does the sense of independence affect how I show and receive love? 
  • How can I return to softness and femininity in the world we live in today? 
  • Why does the first kid test your relationship so much? 

As we enter into the 2nd week of February focus on your romantic relationships you have experienced. See what you could/can do better? What did you learn and can apply to your current situation. Remember, Life Can Change If You Let It!


  1. These are great questions I need to ask myself. I’ll do a tile assessment where I’ll write down my answers and compare them 1 month from now & continue to repeat until I see the growth I desire. Thanks Zae ❤️

    1. I love that this was able to help you. Much love ❤️


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