The Cookie Wasn’t Fully Baked: A Real One's Take on Sex, Sin & the Spiritual Consequences

 I came across a clip of a pastor preaching about sex before marriage, and whew conviction, party of one. But before I get into it, let me start by saying this: I’ve always agreed with saving sex for marriage. My life just didn’t always get that memo. Still, my heart has always known what was right, and now I want to share a little of my story not to shame myself or anyone else involved, but to thread together a testimony full of resilience, vulnerability, and a whole lot of “Whew, girl, what were you thinking?”

My hope is that by being honest, I can come to peace with my own story and maybe help someone else avoid some of the potholes I hit headfirst or at least make space for us all to reflect on one shared goal: to be better and do better.

Let’s Talk About Hell—Yes, That Hell

When people talk about hell, it’s usually all fire and brimstone. When people talk about hell, it’s usually all fire, brimstone, and “straight to the pit, no detours, no divine GPS reroute” kind of energy. But let’s keep it real hell isn’t just a future destination. There are very real, very personal versions of hell we can find ourselves in right here on earth if we’re not careful.

Here’s a little biblical context to set the stage:

Romans 6:23 (KJV)
“For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

Matthew 7:13-14 (NIV)
“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”

My goal? To hear “Well done, my good and faithful servant” at the end of this life. And while sin comes in many flavors, today I want to talk about one specific flavor: sex outside of marriage and the sticky, emotional, soul-shifting “hell on earth” that can come with it.

The Celibacy Confusion

So, before I got pregnant, I was telling people I was celibate. Chile, please.

Here’s the thing: words matter, especially in spiritual warfare. I found out mid-journey that what I was actually doing was abstaining not celibacy. And that revelation came with clarity, conviction, and a big ol’ mirror moment. Let’s break it down:

Abstaining is like saying, “I’m not having sex right now, thank you.” It’s temporary. Maybe you're healing, maybe you're fasting, maybe you’re waiting on Jesus or just a decent text back. Either way, the cookie is in the jar for now.

Celibacy, though? That’s “I’ve retired the cookie factory indefinitely.” You’re not just on pause you’ve unplugged the whole operation. That’s a lifestyle choice, rooted in deep conviction.

In short:
Abstaining = Break.
Celibacy = Bye forever (or until God says otherwise).

Make sure you’re calling it the right thing, sis. The enemy thrives on confusion, and the last thing you want is to be praying for Boaz and accidentally end up with Balaam.

Sex Before Marriage = Sin. Period.

Okay, back to the sermon. The preacher said sex before marriage would lead you straight to hell in a handbasket. And while I chuckled (because I’m 93 years old at heart), I had to sit with that. I’m not here to critique any specific sermon, but I do want to add something I think gets missed in this convo:

Yes, God knew we would sin—that’s why He created repentance. But repentance isn’t a “get out of jail free” card. It’s more like spiritual car insurance. You don’t keep driving recklessly just because you’re covered.

Hebrews 13:4 (KJV)

"Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge."

That verse is clear. Marriage is where sex belongs. But what they don’t always talk about is the hell on earth that can happen when we go against that order.

I’m just gonna say it: I love sex. There, I said it. One of my married girlfriends knows that when I finally get married, I’m teaching a class on how to keep the bedroom holy and spicy. Because yes, the marriage bed is an altar too. Can I get an amen?

The Cookie Wasn’t Ready, Sis

Here’s the analogy: cooking and baking require timing. Add something too early or too late? You ruin the dish. Same with sex. Sharing your cookies (yes, I mean your vagina—for the people in the back) before you're fully baked spiritually and emotionally can leave you with a hot mess instead of a sweet life.

Here’s what “fully baked” looks like:

• You’re healed (or actively healing)

• You’re married (not just legally, but spiritually—vows and all)

Once those are in place? Sis, the fun begins—bedroom, floor, shower, —Jesus! Okay, I’m back. 😅

Now Let Me Testify

I’ve got two beautiful daughters by a man I truly loved. But because I stepped outside of God’s will, I created a whole hell on earth. The pain, the heartbreak, the guilt it was real. And even though I don’t regret my girls, I do live with the weight of what could’ve been had I stayed the course.

I played the spiritual leader role when that wasn’t my job. I thought I could carry us both, but the truth is: the man is meant to lead. I stepped into a role that wasn’t mine, and eventually, it crumbled. What you go outside of God to get, you’ll have to stay outside of God to keep. And whew, that price is high.

Leaving my children’s father was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I pray he forgives me for the part I played. I pray he sees me now standing firm in my yes to God and that our daughters grow up with a mother who teaches them to be both strong and soft.

My prayer for myself is that I stop living in the guilt of having my heart in the right place, but out of God’s hands. I pray I continue to heal and walk boldly as the woman God called me to be no shame, just lessons.

Hard Truths Still Deserve To Be Heard

I know this message isn’t trendy. I'm an ex-minister, I had kids out of wedlock, I’m still single as a Pringle—and I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But I’m speaking from experience, and I hope that counts for something.

Sometimes when we hear a message that convicts us, we run from it. We start saying stuff like, “Well, there are other sins…” or “But what about what they did?” Don’t do that. God’s word is still His word, no matter whose lips it leaves.

A lot of “church hurt” is really conviction avoidance. Not all of it, but more than we want to admit. And I say that with love, because I’ve been there. I still visit there sometimes. But we can’t keep focusing on the messenger and miss the message.

Let’s go back—way back—to the Garden.

Remember when Adam blamed Eve, and Eve blamed the snake? The original blame game. No one owned up, everyone pointed fingers, and suddenly accountability was nowhere to be found. And what really gets me now what hits differently as I grow in my walk isn’t just the sin itself, but the way they tried to hide from God afterward. Like He wasn’t going to notice the fig leaves and funky attitudes.

It’s the same thing we do today. We mess up, then cover it with excuses. We dodge conviction with cute phrases like, “Well, at least I’m not doing that,” or “God knows my heart,” or the classic, “Nobody’s perfect.” We hop on Instagram to post a Bible verse right after we just ignored the Holy Spirit tugging on our heart. It's all modern fig leaves strategies to cover what only surrender can fix.

Adam didn’t just mess up he tried to redirect the responsibility. “This woman You gave me…” Whew. So not only did he sidestep owning his role, he low-key tried to blame God for the decision he made. And if we're honest, we’ve all done that in some way. We fumble, then flip it, point to someone else, and say, “Well, if they hadn’t…” or “God, I thought You said…”

It’s giving spiritual gaslighting, honestly.

What I’ve learned and am still learning is that healing starts with honesty. Accountability is hard, but it’s holy. You can’t grow from what you’re constantly hiding. God isn’t interested in our cover stories He wants our confession. He wants the real. Because only when we stop dodging truth can grace actually go to work.

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, this post isn’t about shame it’s about clarity. It’s about calling a thing a thing. Abstaining vs. celibacy. Sin vs. struggle. Hell in the afterlife vs. the hell we sometimes create for ourselves right here. 

I’m healing. I’m learning. And I’m sharing, not because I know it all, but because I’ve lived enough to know better and I’m choosing to do better.

So whether you’re currently abstaining, celibate, or somewhere in between trying to remember where you hid your cookie jar know that God still wants you. And His grace is big enough for all of it.

#SendMeMyCookieMonsterJesus (I joke I joke…) 

Much love,
Xavia the Know-It-All, Who Knows Nothing at All